Sheer to Waist, or Decaf? (Maggie Shayne)

I have been told, dear ones, that I should lay off the caffeine. I tend to mainline it and it's not too great for my heart. But I have it on good authority that caffeine isn't the evil everyone keeps trying to make it out to be. It has its benefits, though you seldom hear their praises sung by the medical community. My personal theory is that without it, we all have to run to the doctor for things like lack of energy, lethargy, depression, chronic fatigue, and narcolepsy. Yes, people, I'm certain caffeine is the miracle cure for all of those ailments. Its lack, I'm convinced, is at least a contributing factor to other problems such as low sex drive, chronic obesity, migraines, and quite possibly, flatulence. It's one of those things "they" don't want you to know. Keeps the healthcare industry in business.

Okay, you know I'm being sarcastic, right? I'm only 99% convinced of the above claims. =) However, there is one benefit to caffeine that none of us may have known about. If you can find a way to wear it, it reduces cellulite. (And to borrow a line from my idol, Dave Barry, I am not making this up.) A company in Pennsylvania claims to have discovered this little known caffeine benefit, and has now developed a way to put it to the best possible use--making them some money. They have developed pantyhose that are infused with caffeine. You wear these babies against your skin, and any cellulite you might have on your legs (and I say "you" because I, of course, have none) vanishes as if by magic. These miracle stockings can be worn over and over, but you can only wash them three times before your washing machine gets stuck on a super-charged spin cycle and self-destructs. No, that's not it. After three washes the caffeine is all gone. And this is the best part. They only cost two hundred bucks a pair!

I've thought of something that company hasn't. These miracle hose can do double duty. Why put them in the washing machine at all? Just stuff them into the coffee maker, run a pot of water through them, and voila! You have clean stockings AND a fresh morning brew.

I'll tell you one thing, this would take that disorder known as Restless Leg Syndrome to a whole new level, wouldn't it? Never again would you have to worry about your legs falling asleep. You could probably consider a much wider range of career options, too. Field goal kicker for the Giants. Soccer Star. Rockette. Kick boxer. The list goes on and on. Gosh, I wish they'd make gloves. Can you imagine how fast I could write THEN?

All right, all right, I can hear the groans from here. I'll stop. My point, dear readers (and I do have one) is that I like caffeine. And I think I need it. It's been two weeks since I moved into the cabin here, and I've been dealing with two sets of lawyers, a pair of realtors and a pair of banks, not to mention all the packing, moving, storing, sorting, and then the usual stuff--like earning a living. So in that two weeks, I haven't exercised once. And I miss it. Yesterday morning, I woke up determined to work out this week, no matter what. So I rushed through my morning pages, and then went running. And man was it an effort. It was hot outside, I didn't drink enough water beforehand, and I had to quit at 4.7 miles instead of my usual 5. I was exhausted afterward, just drained. I showered, did some packing and other jobs etc. It was a very full day. So full that when I came home around 3 pm with a splitting headache, I collapsed on the couch and slept for 3 straight hours. When I woke, the headache was still there. Maybe worse than before despite that I'd taken two doses of pain reliever. After the third dose, it hit me what was wrong. It wasn't that I had overdone the workout after too much down time. It wasn't the heat. It wasn't dehydration. It was just that I hadn't had a cup of coffee all day long!

Rushing to the kitchen (you have to have the visual here, folks. My "rushing" consisted of shuffling along at an urgent pace and saying "Ow, ow, ow" with every step. You shouldn't veg for two weeks then try to run five miles. It's not smart.) Anyway, "rushing" to the kitchen, I brewed a half a pot, nice and strong. I've just finished the first cup, working on the second. The headache is gone. I swear to my bulldog, it started easing after the first few sips. Okay, that could have been partly due to dose three of the pain reliever, but I don't think so.

So let's just say, I'm not ready to give up the caffeine just yet. The junk food, yes. The nicotine, most definitely. The vodka--oh, come on people, be realistic. I only discovered Svedka brand a week ago. I'm in transition here, have a freakin' heart! (Oops, sorry. Got a little sidetracked there.) But I am not giving up my caffeine and that's final.

And as for the running, well, you just wait and see how many miles I go once my new pantyhose arrive from Pennsylvania!

(PS--Please check the link for the full, true scoop on those nylons before you shell out your $200. It's pretty much what you'd expect. Click on the title of this piece.)

Maggie