Two Rants and a Rave (Lynn Kerstan)

I’m cranky. So would you be if, say, a leaf blower at full blast was set off a few yards from where you are sitting and left to run for six hours.

It happens that five major construction projects are underway in my neighborhood. And today, the sadists working about thirty yards from my apartment were using a machine that’s as loud as a leaf-blower and sounds like metal grinding through metal. For an encore, the workday ended with six guys on top of the wooden roof beams, hammering like marimba players.

But the worst part of the day came early, when I made what is always an error, although I never seem to learn. The thing is, I have been on a diet (or needing to be on one) since birth. I popped out plump. I was a fubsy infant. A pudgy toddler. A chubby child. It didn’t help I was born in the south (Motto: "Everything Tastes Better Fried.")

What’s more, my natural physical state can be described in one word: Inertia. I love to be comfortable. I am happy curled up with a book, or sitting in the recliner with my laptop. Moving just seems so . . . unnecessary.

Women can be proudly beautiful in all shapes and sizes. In my own life, I have been proudly presentable in any number of shapes and sizes, including positively slender. And these days, after several years of dieting and unaccustomed exercise, I’m holding near to normal weight (the new, revised high end of normal!). OK, I'm within a dozen pounds of near-to-normal. I definitely have a claim to energy and good health.

But I’ve stalled out. Despite disciplined dieting, walking, and hours of high intensity water aerobics, I’ve lost precisely one pound in five weeks. Yes, I’ve toned up a bit. And I don’t often weigh myself because it’s too discouraging. But this morning, feeling optimistic, I climbed on the scale and got shot right down.

Science is on my side, blame-wise. Help-wise, not so much. As researcher Dr. Neil King of the Queensland University of Technology recently said, "Our bodies have strong mechanisms to defend attempts to lose weight but very weak mechanisms to prevent weight gain. The research confirms that the human body is designed to strongly resist attempts to lose weight."

He needed research to figure that out?

Apparently our bodies are "programmed to cope with famine - not the current obesogenic environment which enforces inactivity and a plentiful food supply."

"Obesogenic?" Definitely a word I can do without.

Here’s the thing. We’re going into winter, even here in the land of always-spring, and just as it did last year about this time, my body’s hanging on to weight like a bear getting ready for hibernation.

Plus, according to Dr. King, comes a point where the body selects a plateau level and sticks there, never mind how little we eat or how much we exercise. His next project is to figure out how, why, and what (if anything) we can do about that. Work fast, sir!

Meantime, I’m all too familiar with that plateau. It’s name is Bootyland, and I’m sitting on it right now. My fat cells, like a tribe of occupiers, have massed in that area and dug themselves in to stay.

Tell you what. If NASA could harness and apply the technology that keeps fat adhering to my backside, the space shuttle would never lose another tile.

Meantime, it will be several more weeks of walking, water aerobics, and dieting before I risk another climb onto the scale. There’s only so much pain a person can stand.

Especially one who lives in a construction zone.

Oh. I also mentioned a Rave. My friends have been reporting in with their reviews and recommendations for the fall TV season. "House." "Bones." "Grey’s Anatomy." "Eureka." Lots more. But so far, no one has mentioned the show I most favor, shortly to launch into its second season.

It makes me laugh. It makes me shudder. It makes me cry. Poor Tosca! What will become of brave little Shakespeare? I’m all for a strong matriarchy, but Flower, must you have all the babies?

If you have nerves of steel, lots of curiosity, and a fondness for really cute animals, check out the Animal Planet schedule for "Meerkat Manor"!