Mistaken Identity (Lynn Kerstan)

Self-image, I am discovering, is mostly self-delusion. Talking about me here. You, of course, are centered, self-aware, and accepting. But despite the evidence staring me in the face, I keep imagining I'm something quite other than I am.

And trying to prove it by way of diabolical internet quizzes. Not the enlightening, useful, helpful quizzes, though. I’m more into the "What Tarot Card are you?" or, "What sports car are you?" Yes, I’ve sunk that low. I close my eyes and imagine a sleek black Jaguar, but everyone (including the devisor of the quiz) knows I’m a beige Pinto.

It’s not even like I approach those quizzes honestly. If I’m a Star Wars character, then by all the galaxies, I want to be the daredevil racing through hostile territory with his eyes on the prize and a quip on his tongue. Han Solo. That’s me.

So not me. I’ve taken three different Star War quizzes, and tried each time to game the system. But in all cases, I ended up a short, squat, shriveled-looking fellow with weird ears who talks funny. Yup. Yoda I am. With little of his wisdom, that's clear enough, but given the chance, I'd be the very devil with a light saber. Delusions have a way of lingering . . .

Here’s one Star Wars quiz to try, if you have a few mindless minutes to pass: http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=92090

Feeling low (as well as short and squat), I tried to find an ego boost over at a Lord of the Rings quiz. This much is true: In the marrow of my bones, I am Aragorn. But all the rest of me came out as yet another old, wise, wrinkled male. Gandalf the Grey.

I’d as soon be a woman character in these stories, so long as she is fearless, determined, clever, witty, and--above all--attractive to Han or Aragorn. But Princess Leia had cinnamon buns for hair and ought to have known better, while Tolkein shortchanged the few female characters he bothered to create. The Arwen of the films was barely a footnote in the written tales of Middle Earth. Females may incite the quarrel or become the reward for winning, but they usually fade to the background while the guys have the exciting adventures.

Not all my quizzical roamings are without merit. Lately, I discovered a nice little "Enneagram" test that purports to help you discover which of these types dominate your personality: Reformer; Helper; Achiever; Individualist; Investigator; Loyalist; Enthusiast; Challenger; Peacemaker.

Within each category is a wide range of characteristics, both positive and negative, along with likely goals, greatest fears, and deepest longings. Many authors (me included) have used the category descriptions to better understand the characters we are working with and how they are likely to behave.

It’s a whole other thing, though, to apply these descriptions to myself. For once, instead of fudging answers to skew myself toward the "types" I fancied," I tried to be meticulously honest in the quiz. After all, I told myself, this is just for fun. It’s all psychobabble, anyway. And as usual, I was disappointed with the result.

Some of the types had sounded, just by their names, intriguing and desirable. But it seems I’m not a Challenger. An Investigator. An Individualist. Instead, I was slotted into a category that, well, pretty much described me to a T. Generally speaking, to be sure, because no individual can be loaded and locked into a tight space. It’s like being a Sagittarius, which I am, while not really buying into astrology, which I don’t. Except that . . . I seem to be a quintessential Sagittarius.

To me, this sort of analysis is both fascinating and a little spooky. I think I’ll tack on back to the safer waters of, say, "Which Jane Austen character are you?" (Elinor Dashwood, drat it. I wanted to be Elizabeth Bennet.)

If you are willing to risk a wilder ride, test your own enneagram type here:
http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test.php

Then post your result and how you feel about the outcome. Maybe I’ll do that as well, once I’ve recovered–again–from not being what I thought I wanted to be.