Honesty (Tara Taylor Quinn)
posted by Tara Taylor Quinn
on
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
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I had a surprise 70th birthday party for my mother over the weekend. I've been planning it since October. My brother and his babies came across the the country for the event. My mother's best friend from high school came to town. Fifty four of her friends were here. I must have told a hundred lies over the course of three months. I did it well. She was completely surprised.
I know someone who is afraid of conflict. She misleads people into believing things to be other than they are if she thinks the way things really are will cause conflict. She neglects to tell people information, withholds facts, if she believes telling those facts will cause conflict - even when she knows the people are going to find out the facts eventually anyway - thus causing greater conflict.
I say what I think. When people ask my opinion, I give it. And sometimes people take offense because what I say is not what they expected to hear. When asked if I liked my daughter's new shorter hair I told her I liked it better longer. But she knew that when she asked the question. had I said anything different then she would have known I wasn't telling the truth. And then when I did like something and said so, she wouldn't believe me because I'd already gone down on record as saying I liked something when I didn't. My word is worth nothing when I lie.
Yet I offend people when I speak the truth.
I have another friend - one who happens who to be a Storybroad, but I'll leave you to guess which one - who speaks her mind. I love being with her because I know that there are no games, no guessing, no hidden pieces of information that will later come back to hurt me. If she likes something she says so. If she doesn't, she says so. If she thinks I'm wrong about something she tells me so. And when she praises me, that praise goes up on my bulletin board, or stays in my inbox, as a reminder and a pick me up. Not because she does it infrequently, but because it carries that much weight. I know it's true, not a nicety. And always, I know that she cares. When she disagrees, she cares about me still. She likes me for some reason that is there whether I'm right or wrong, attractive or not.
If I had one wish in relationships, it would be this kind of honesty. Yet it seems that our society as a whole frowns on it. We placate and hand out niceties and are thought of as kind and sought out socially. We speak our minds and we're alone a lot of the time.
Why is this? I don't get it. But I've been pondering it a lot since I found out over these past three months that I'm such a good liar. I don't want to be a good liar. I'd rather be honest and alone .
No more surprise parties. This is one talent I don't want to practice and hone.
I know someone who is afraid of conflict. She misleads people into believing things to be other than they are if she thinks the way things really are will cause conflict. She neglects to tell people information, withholds facts, if she believes telling those facts will cause conflict - even when she knows the people are going to find out the facts eventually anyway - thus causing greater conflict.
I say what I think. When people ask my opinion, I give it. And sometimes people take offense because what I say is not what they expected to hear. When asked if I liked my daughter's new shorter hair I told her I liked it better longer. But she knew that when she asked the question. had I said anything different then she would have known I wasn't telling the truth. And then when I did like something and said so, she wouldn't believe me because I'd already gone down on record as saying I liked something when I didn't. My word is worth nothing when I lie.
Yet I offend people when I speak the truth.
I have another friend - one who happens who to be a Storybroad, but I'll leave you to guess which one - who speaks her mind. I love being with her because I know that there are no games, no guessing, no hidden pieces of information that will later come back to hurt me. If she likes something she says so. If she doesn't, she says so. If she thinks I'm wrong about something she tells me so. And when she praises me, that praise goes up on my bulletin board, or stays in my inbox, as a reminder and a pick me up. Not because she does it infrequently, but because it carries that much weight. I know it's true, not a nicety. And always, I know that she cares. When she disagrees, she cares about me still. She likes me for some reason that is there whether I'm right or wrong, attractive or not.
If I had one wish in relationships, it would be this kind of honesty. Yet it seems that our society as a whole frowns on it. We placate and hand out niceties and are thought of as kind and sought out socially. We speak our minds and we're alone a lot of the time.
Why is this? I don't get it. But I've been pondering it a lot since I found out over these past three months that I'm such a good liar. I don't want to be a good liar. I'd rather be honest and alone .
No more surprise parties. This is one talent I don't want to practice and hone.
Patricia Potter
Tara Taylor Quinn
Maggie Shayne
Anne Stuart
Suzanne Forster
Lynn Kerstan
6 Comments :
Tara, great thought-provoking blog. I think it's fine that you told the lies in order to keep the surprise for your mom's birthday. That was done out of love, to preserve it as a special day, but it's also good that you're so aware of how uncomfortable it made you feel. You don't like to lie, period. I think it's cool, and it makes you very unique.
Most of us (not us meaning Storybroads, but us meaning humanity) lie our way through our entire lives. I don't think we're doing it to hurt people. We're doing it to avoid that, mostly. But white lies are pervasive, and your point is so well made that we're telling them unconsciously. We don't even think about it. That's the real problem, in my opinion.
A great movie to watch to see how much and how automatically we lie is Jim Carrey's Liar Liar. It also gives you a clue to the consequences of not being able to lie at all, which were exaggerated for the humor, but still real enough to be sobering, but surely there's a balance to be found here. Probably the most important thing is the awareness. I've done that a few times--paid attention--just as you did recently, Tara, and discovered how many of my white lies were unnecessary and how automatic they'd become.
Suz
I'm going to experiement for the rest of the week and see if I'm guilty of the little white lie thing. I'm betting I'll find I am. Maybe I'll keep a tally board somewhere. Thanks for the eye-opening post, Tara!
Maggie
I actually have a really good reason for being ridiculously honest. I grew up in a alcoholic family, where my father told me to lie to my mother, my mother told me to lie to my father, and no one ever mentioned the elephant in the living room. (For those of you who don't know, that's a term for people who live in an alcoholic family and never talk about it -- it's like there's an elephant in the living room and everyone ignores it).
Starting at age 18 I decided to stop lying. My sister still does, almost to a pathological extent. Other members of my family still do. But I don't. If someone asks me a question, I give them the answer.
I have belatedly learned not to tell someone that what they're wearing is unflattering if there's nothing they can do about it. But if there is, I tell them.
I get into trouble, but I don't think there's any way I can change. Polite lies are just the first step back to living a lie, and that's no way to live. I've learned from experience.
Krissie
Krissie,
I completely identify with this! If I must go through life apologizing to those who misunderstand, so be it.
And Suz, I love Liar Liar. It shows that white lies are as dangerous as black ones because they still lead others to believe things that aren't true.
I won't tell someone that their dress is ugly just because I think it is. If they ask my opinion, I'll give it. Hopefully with tact.
Maggie,
I'd love to know the tally on that experiment at the end of the week! I'm conducting my own as well. Which just means I'm speaking my truth more than usual and am already in trouble! Good thing I spend most of my days completely alone with a keyboard and people who always see things my way - eventually!
ttq
I remember one of the tenets of the Sixties counter culture was "Let it all hang out." That was one of the sections of a book I read. I think it was The Greening of America.
Then people who followed that principle ended up in therapy because telling all got them in trouble. Here is a link to an article about honesty that might be of interest.
http://tinyurl.com/yvfmhq
It gives a third option to tell the truth or lie.
Ray
Ray,
I love the third option! And the distinction. I think the issue is often confused because we think of openness and honesty as the same thing and it isn't at all. Keeping the distinction in mind helps this all make more sense.
ttq
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