How Stange is She? (Suzanne Forster)

I was insulted by my horoscope today. I suppose I should take it with a grain of salt since I’m not really a big believer in horoscopes. In fact, the rational side of my brain keeps insisting that the whole alignment of stars thing makes no sense. How could the date of my birth have anything to do with my personality? Or influence the very trajectory of my life? And yet, every morning when I open the L.A. Times, I find myself magically drawn to the entertainment section, and it’s not to do the crossword. Yes, the tv guide is in that section, too, and I like to check out the prime time shows, lest I miss Idol or Grey’s Anatomy or Men in Trees. But if I’m being honest, I’m really there to take a peek at my horoscope. I read it religiously and find myself pondering whatever message might be hidden in the words, and how it might apply to my life. I’ve also noticed if it’s positive I’m much more likely to give it credence and read it over a few times. If it’s negative, I’ll remind myself that horoscopes are silly, and I should stick to the tv guide.

Normally though, it’s something pretty uplifting, or, if not that, at least it’s mildly amusing. Michael Lutin in Vanity Fair can be witheringly negative about all the signs, but at least he’s funny about it. In the April issue of the magazine, he chides Virgos, which happens to be my sign, for being overly sensitive lately, claiming that ever since the solar eclipse took place in our solar 7th house, we’ve been racked by feelings of rejection and in need of others to bolster our shaky egos.

Note to self: Why do I keep reading this guy?

Generally speaking, I like my astrology positive without being over the top. I remember Joyce Jillson fondly, but she was a bit too bubbly for me. On the other hand, one astrologer I read years ago was a purveyor of doom. He used to issue dire warnings about not getting on the roads that day, which is a lovely thing to have on your mind when you’re rushing around getting ready to speak at the local library, or even just a day of running errands. Another of his favorites was to suggest that you should see a doctor as soon as possible. I had to stop reading him. I never would have left the house except to go to the doctor.

So, maybe I’m a closet believer? Or is it just part and parcel of my superstitious nature? But, I digress. This is supposed to be about today’s horoscope, which actually said I was the strangest person on the planet. Even Lutin hasn’t gone that far. Yet.

Strange, maybe. Stranger than some? Well, okay. Maybe even stranger than many. But the strangest person on the planet? What did I do to deserve that honor?

I may be a little off-kilter, but I wouldn’t call it extreme. I read magazines from back to front because the best stuff is always in the back. If you don’t believe me, pick up a Time magazine one of these days. My friends refer to me as calendar-challenged, and I do have a bad habit of hoarding time. For example, if I write a check in the grocery store on the 21st, the next time I’m there, no matter how many days have passed, I figure it must be the 22nd, or at the very most, the 23rd, when in fact, an entire week or more may have passed. Eventually I realized that I do this to slow down time and keep book deadlines at bay.

Note to self: It doesn’t work.

I have a couple phobias, but they’re pretty normal. I’m terrified of enclosed MRIs, crawl spaces and anything close enough to my face to cut off my breathing, which is really just self-preservation, after all. And crawl spaces are only cool if you know for a certainty that you are the only thing crawling in them, which is almost NEVER the case.

Just so you know I didn’t make up today’s horoscope, here it is:

“Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). You're brilliantly unique, and others can't figure you out. It's as if, of all the billions and billions of life forms on the earth, you're the very strangest. Don't bother trying to explain yourself. A wink will do just fine.”

Okay, really, billions and billions of life forms, and I’m the strangest? Have you seen any amoebas lately? They’re pretty strange, as far as life forms go. And what about Michael Jackson or Andy Warhol?

It also said brilliantly unique though, which is kind of cool. Of course, that also goes for the 874 million other Virgos currently taking up space on the planet. So much for unique. But wait, there’s still brilliant. Am I grasping at straws here? LOL.

Maybe Michael Lutin’s right. Maybe I’m one of those too-sensitive Virgos, which would explain why I’m staying off the roads and waiting with bated breath for the solar eclipse to get its nasty self out of my solar 7th house. And meanwhile, I’m so glad I don’t really believe in horoscopes. Otherwise, I’d be in danger of developing an eye twitch from all that winking.

Have you checked your horoscope yet today? I hope it was better than mine!

Suz