The Power Of Friendship (Tara Taylor Quinn)
posted by Tara Taylor Quinn
on
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
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I sit here this morning facing the worst crisis of my life and wondering how I can ever find something to say to any of you that you actually want to here - wondering how I can find anything to say that brings hope to hopeless hearts. I almost sink into the hopelessness, and then a smiling face appears in my vision. A phone call from yesterday pops into my brain, and I know, once again, I've discovered the secret to all of living - love. In the midst of losing all the love in my life, I find that there is other love out there, waiting to come to me.
It's been ten days now since my only child, a daughter I was with 24/7 for the first seventeen years of her life, has refused to speak to me. I wake up in the morning with a darkness so great I can hardly get myself out of bed. The other two people I'm closest to have also left my life - and all three of these members of my immediate family are bonded together, presumably forming a new kind of family. Bonded in their mutual despair. A despair I caused. Not knowingly. Not through anything as easily recognizable as criminal activity. Or overt immorality, given the circumstances. I had no idea choices I made would hurt my loved ones as they did. And I have no way to unmake those choices. This is the price we pay, the consequences we pay, when we mis-step. We are faced with something we can't fix.
And even now, when the universe could exact heavy revenge against me, I am sent angels of mercy, of love. While the one I thought to be my closest friend stabs my back, I am called by two other friends, told in no uncertain terms that I must come to them, that I must be surrounded by those who have known me far longer than that best friend did - those who still know me. They remind me that I acted with a good and open heart. That I meant no harm. That I tried my best - always try my best - to serve those I love. That life is confusing and we aren't meant to make it through without mis-steps. Perfection is not an attainable goal in this lifetime. I have lived decades, giving all of myself to those I love and that speaks of me far more than any single action can. And then they send me back to my life, to take my next steps. And they call me. They thank ME for spending time with them. In that one sentence, I found the value in myself that I had lost. One simple sentence from a friend of many years. In my worse moment, she found gratitude in simply being with me. This is the power of friendship.
Love comes in other areas, too. My extended family is there, offering love and support, unconditional love and support. Letting me know that I will never be alone. One of the three immediate family members calls. And we realize that a bond of love exists that we'd lost sight of. And an old college friend dries my tears, again and again, refusing to let me give in, reminding me to keep my eyes focused on long term to give time the opportunity to work it's healing powers. The future is waiting for me - full of unknown promise - and as long as I continue to get up in the morning, continue to breathe, it will find me.
The darkness was still there when I woke this morning. I know that it will continue to be my companion in the days to come. But there is brightness and light there, too. And hope for tomorrow. Because I am alive. I've loved. I will continue to love. And I have been reminded that the universe always gives love back. No matter who you are. Or what you've done.
It's been ten days now since my only child, a daughter I was with 24/7 for the first seventeen years of her life, has refused to speak to me. I wake up in the morning with a darkness so great I can hardly get myself out of bed. The other two people I'm closest to have also left my life - and all three of these members of my immediate family are bonded together, presumably forming a new kind of family. Bonded in their mutual despair. A despair I caused. Not knowingly. Not through anything as easily recognizable as criminal activity. Or overt immorality, given the circumstances. I had no idea choices I made would hurt my loved ones as they did. And I have no way to unmake those choices. This is the price we pay, the consequences we pay, when we mis-step. We are faced with something we can't fix.
And even now, when the universe could exact heavy revenge against me, I am sent angels of mercy, of love. While the one I thought to be my closest friend stabs my back, I am called by two other friends, told in no uncertain terms that I must come to them, that I must be surrounded by those who have known me far longer than that best friend did - those who still know me. They remind me that I acted with a good and open heart. That I meant no harm. That I tried my best - always try my best - to serve those I love. That life is confusing and we aren't meant to make it through without mis-steps. Perfection is not an attainable goal in this lifetime. I have lived decades, giving all of myself to those I love and that speaks of me far more than any single action can. And then they send me back to my life, to take my next steps. And they call me. They thank ME for spending time with them. In that one sentence, I found the value in myself that I had lost. One simple sentence from a friend of many years. In my worse moment, she found gratitude in simply being with me. This is the power of friendship.
Love comes in other areas, too. My extended family is there, offering love and support, unconditional love and support. Letting me know that I will never be alone. One of the three immediate family members calls. And we realize that a bond of love exists that we'd lost sight of. And an old college friend dries my tears, again and again, refusing to let me give in, reminding me to keep my eyes focused on long term to give time the opportunity to work it's healing powers. The future is waiting for me - full of unknown promise - and as long as I continue to get up in the morning, continue to breathe, it will find me.
The darkness was still there when I woke this morning. I know that it will continue to be my companion in the days to come. But there is brightness and light there, too. And hope for tomorrow. Because I am alive. I've loved. I will continue to love. And I have been reminded that the universe always gives love back. No matter who you are. Or what you've done.
Patricia Potter
Tara Taylor Quinn
Maggie Shayne
Anne Stuart
Suzanne Forster
Lynn Kerstan
14 Comments :
Tara, your post just makes me MAD. Dammit, you know, you give your whole freaking life to your kids, and then they grow up and judge you, they make their love conditional when yours for them never was. They withhold it if you do something they don't agree with or approve of or somethhing inconvenient for them. It's freaking ridiculous. We have lives too, we have feelings and needs and we are women--human beings. Not flawless. And guess what? We don't need to change their diapers anymore. They're grownups.
I'm assuming your daughter is a grownup. (Physically, I mean. Clearly not in any other manner.)
If I lived closer I'd smack her. The only comfort is, someday she'll have kids and they'll grow up and treat her at least as horribly as she's treating you now. I hope you're still around, because she'll probably want to apologize profusely at that point.
Shame, shame, shame on her for adding to your pain at a time like this.
Maggie
PS
You did NOT cause their despair. No one is responsible for making anyone else happy. No one can be, because no matter what you do for anyone, their happiness has to come from within them. Anytime your happiness is dependent on something outside yourself, you're in trouble. People who hand their happiness on others, are never truly going to be happy anyway. So just let go of that. You could jump through hoops your whole life, and it still wouldn't be enough to make them happy. They have to do it themselves.
Maggie
Tara . . .
Repeat after me: you did nothing wrong. You did not mis-step. You did everything you could to avoid hurting others. They are the ones who abused friendship and relationships they should have respected.
Your daughter will realize soon enough she's been wrong, that her attempt to hurt you is really hurting her more. She's striking out like a child, not reasoning like an adult. Hopefully she'll soon realize that you have respected her all these years, have encouraged her strengths and hopes and dreams. It's time she gave a little of that back.
As Maggie said, you give your all to your kids, and they seldom, if ever, think about the sacrifices you made to give them the life and future they have today.
As for the "friend," the less said about her the better. She is beneath contempt and not worth one second of thought. Ultimately she'll be the one alone, not you.
Hang in there, friend.
Tara, I've read Maggie and Pat's comments, and without knowing more about what's going on, I can only say that I agree completely with both of them. You're not responsible for someone else's happiness. You can contribute to it, but you can't create it. Maggie's right. It comes from within. They decide to be happy or unhappy.
Just something to think about, but it sounds as if this may already have become a negative loop, IOW, a self-fulfilling prophecy that you and your daughter and the other two family members have unknowingly created. I suspect if you could embrace the idea that ultimately you're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own, and allow your daughter and the other two to take that responsibility for themselves as well, it might break the cycle, and possibly without a word being said. It's an inner state of mind, just like happiness, a new attitude that allows everyone to be a responsible, accepting, loving grownup, rather than blaming and victimizing each other--and since it has to start somewhere, let it start with you.
Just a thought. Meanwhile, take good care and hang on to those moments of brightness and light, and know we're all beaming love and support your way.
Hugs,
Suz
Tara: I'm so sorry you're hurting. Not knowing the situation, I can't offer any advice beyond what the others have already given you. All I can do is send love and prayers and big smooshy hugs in your direction. Please remember that we're always here for you.
Lynda
All,
Thanks for the kind words, and more for the support and caring. It's so hard to understand life sometimes, and yet, it's times like this that we really find out why we're living at all. To love and be loved.
Great point, Maggie about others' happiness. Something I knew but had forgotten. If we could all grasp that concept the world would be a much happier place.
My comments on your blog from yesterday seem to have disappeared. Is there a glitch in the system?
Lori
You never know the whole story from one perspective. Maybe we should remember that her daughter is a person too and that she may have reasons for her actions.
The aim of all great literature is ultimately to seek truth, and with maturity, one comes to understand that truth is uncovered gradually, not through blind acceptance of facts as they are given to us, but rather through a constant questioning of the information and ideas that we encounter in our daily lives. Please keep in mind that any given situation is rarely so black-and-white as previous posters would like to believe, and that threatening violence towards or wishing ill upon others is not only cruel and completely out of line, but it speaks towards the flaws in character and conscience of such "well-intentioned" and "well-informed" posters.
Poster Maggie writes: "Anytime your happiness is dependent on something outside yourself, you're in trouble." This is good advice for staying positive and a great ideal to strive towards, but it is also completely inaccurate within the context of real life. Do we not feel happier when we are loved? Do we not grieve when one close to us dies? Do we not feel anger or hurt when one wrongs us? We may not be ultimately responsible for making others happy, but we are all responsible for treating each other with dignity and respect. If we then fail to do so and bring about hurt and despair to others through our own wrongdoings, it is most certainly our duty and obligation to recognize that we have done wrong and to make ammends for it. Best of luck to you in the future.
In the midst of a horrible situation--and all of us have experienced them--it's hard, if not impossible, to have any real perspective on what has happened.
I've been round lots of blocks and dealt with lots of people and circumstances, some of them downright bizarre. And yet, one thing never fails to astonish me:
The good-hearted, sincere, decent people always blame themselves for a disaster. They find in their own actions a mistake--don't we all make them?--and try to make amends. Even if they did little or nothing wrong, they feel guilty.
The malevolent people, the manipulative people, play on the goodness of the one they are exploiting. They use the victim's guilt and feel none of their own.
Banded together, they become team players in a game of cruel control that escalates because they feed on the power. As Jean Paul Sartre said, "Love is two people mutually hating a third."
I know all the players in this sad drama. Not well enough to have seen this coming, to be sure. But in retrospect, I'm not surprised.
And like Maggie, my anger is reserved for a daughter who is smart enough to know better. As for the others, they are not worth anyone's second thought. Let them stew in their own malice.
An afterthought. Like the other StoryBroads, Tara writes powerful, emotional, edgy stories that find root in her empathy with others who suffer, struggle, and endure. And like the other StoryBroads, she is also optimistic, fun-loving, and open-hearted. I'm a fan. And a friend.
We StoryBroads didn't band together by accident. That includes our readers. And I count myself lucky to be in their company.
Anonymous, or perhaps not so anonymous, wrote, "do we not feel anger and hurt when one wrongs us."
Well, it depends on why a person feels angered and hurt,and if it's because their own pride has been hurt or their own image of a loved one has not lived up to one's own expectations, or because someone did something deliberately malicious to them.
But if one truly loves, they talk, they try to understand, and if they cannot do the latter, then they try to forgive. In this case, I don't think there is anything to forgive, but if someone feels wronged, and they truly care about Tara, then they would have tried to talk it out, to understand, not just turn their backs on years of love and devotion.
I give my friends and family lots of leeway and I hope they do the same with me. I can't imagine anything any of them could do that would make me turn my back on them.
I've always subscribed to the line from "Love Story," "Love is never having to say you're sorry," or words to that effect.
They are words anonymous should heed...
There are two sides to every story. This is Tara's point of view. Maybe Tara would like to be honest with herself and this blog and say what she did to cause this reaction from her family.
Anonymous,
I am not afraid to stand up to any of my actions - honorable or otherwise. To tell this story would take much longer than a blog would allow and to tell less than the whole story would not be the truth. To tell the whole story would make your actions public as well and I just wrote to my daughter and told her that I was not going to do that. I am spending my time focusing on my actions and becoming the person I know I can be. Perhaps you would do better if you did the same. I wish you well.
ttq
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