A Tribute To Rachel (Tara Taylor Quinn)

My heart feels compelled to share something very special with you all this morning. Last week's post, while crying out of the heartache of living, gave an impression that I must fix - not because I've been told to, or because anyone has even suggested that I might, but because I simply must.

My daughter, Rachel, struggles like the rest of us. She makes mistakes. But she is the one perfect thing I've done in this life - not because of me, but because of who she is. Rachel grew up with more challenges than most kids face and she did it with heart and integrity and compassion. She is the most honest human being I know. She lives by her heart and lets that heart bleed for all of those around her whether that be a grocery store clerk, the lady that lives downstairs, or her father. She is fully accountable to her actions and stands up for what she says, thinks and believes even when standing up is difficult and painful. All of the days of her growing up she woke up with joy, facing each new hour as though it had magic hiding inside, always enthusiastic to see what came next, and always with a kind word for anyone in her path. Always. I kid you not. It used to embarrass me - her more reticent mother - when she'd compliment a total stranger on her blouse, or necklace, or pick up the phone (at six years of age) and call someone with a piece of wisdom meant to comfort them.

Our first indication that Rach was her own unique individual came when she was just over a year old and barely able to talk. She wanted chocolate for breakfast. I told her we don't eat chocolate for breakfast. She proceeded to get the doll that I used to convince her to do things. (You know the drill, it's time for a nap, baby's taking a nap so Rachel needs to take one too.) She holds up that baby and tells me baby wants chocolate for breakfast. In a lispy baby talk that sounds far too young to be using my own techniques back at me. I tell her to tell that baby that we don't eat chocolate for breakfast and she promptly holds the thing up, and says, but she doesn't have any ears. She was right. It was a stuffed thing that also happened to be earless. And so...the thought process was, if we can't tell her no, because she can't hear, we have to give her - and thus Rachel - chocolate for breakfast. I can't remember whether Rachel got the chocolate or not, but I hope not. And suspect she did.

One day, shortly after that I got a call from my Mom half a country away. She was upset with me for calling all the way out there, having Rachel say Hi, Mimi, and then just hanging up without talking to her. After swearing that I hadn't called her, which took some convincing, we eventually figured out - with the help of the phone company telling of the last call - that our less than two year old little girl had watched me dial those ten digits enough to know that everytime I did, her Mimi would be in the phone piece. She'd remembered those digits, dialed them, and did what she did everytime I called. She said Hi, Mimi and then went on her way.

When she was four, I caught Rachel holed up in a wing back chair in my office, reading Little Women. At five she was tested for school and ended up in the seventh grade. Fortunately there was a special program that worked with her until she was eight, at which time she took college entrance exams, and started college. By age seventeen she had three degrees - including a BA in Psychology. In less than six weeks, at age 21, she'll be graduating from law school.

But it's not Rachel's intelligence that sets her apart. It's her heart. All through her life, it's always been her heart that drew people - including me - and kept us captive, kept us there, let us know that even if she was only two or three, we were safe with her. She's graduating law school at 21. She had an amazing opportunity to make more money than I could even imagine working for a private firm, and instead, she's accepted a position as a prosecutor for the county attorney's office - working in public law for peanuts because her heart tells her she must.

When Rachel was three we took her to her great grandfather's funeral. We weren't sure how she processed it all - but did our best to help her understand and she seemed to take it all in stride as a natural occurence. Several days later, back home, back in our routine, we're driving down the road one day. Rachel was in her car seat beside me (back in the days when we had car seats in the passenger front seat) bobbing her little legs and jabbering. Out of the blue she says, Nanna needs a new man. I said, What???!!! She said Nanna just needs to find a new man and then she won't be sad anymore. She had it all worked out. And it was all about heart.

When the gulf war broke out Rachel was four. I had the news on all day while I was doing laundry. Rachel played around the house, keeping as busy as she always did, seemingly unaware of anything out of the ordinary. At dinner that night, sitting up to the table in her booster chair, she proceeded to tell her daddy that he had to call George Bush and then she listed a plan for her daddy to give to George to get Sadam Hussein to stop hurting people. Had the world been able to live strictly by the heart, her plan would have worked.

When she was six, my mother's purse was stolen. Rach found a private moment and a phone and called my mother and told her, you know, Mimi, it's not the things that matter. She told my mother that she loved her. I found out about this later, from my mother. Rach wasn't doing anything spectacular or even noteworthy. She was just being Rachel. Living from the heart.

My daughter struggles just like the rest of us. Oftentimes more than the rest of us. But this I know, the world is a better place because she is here. I am a better woman because she is here. If we could all live like Rachel does - from the heart - the threats and fears with which so many of us live would simply not be. There'd be no nuclear war possibilities, no terrorism, no hate crimes. There'd be no rape or hunger or betrayal.

I believe in Rachel. Not because she is my child, but because she is Rachel - a spirit who came into my life and taught me what life is all about. Whether she's there for a lifetime, or only for the time I had her to raise, I have been blessed beyond comprehension to know her so well. To love her so deeply. To learn to live by my heart in all that I do. I am one of the lucky ones.