The Blessings of Community, Any Community (Suzanne Forster)

Is it possible in this age of instant connection that we could be experiencing a disconnect? It seems we’re spending more time on our cell phones, PDAs and the internet, and less time meeting each other face to face. People aren’t talking in person the way they used to, apparently because they don’t have to. Am I the only one who thinks it ironic that technology might be making it easier for us to communicate but more difficult to connect?

Most of our electronic discourse is limited because of our inability to see the person on the other end. Seventy-five percent or more of our communication with others is based on body language, which is crucial for a full understanding of what people are trying to express—or trying not to express. For me, as a writer with a strong inclination toward psychological suspense, this is vital information, and I’m missing it!

And what happens if the more we come to depend on electronic means of communication the more isolated we become from real-life, intimate relationships? Can virtual hugs ever replace real ones? I’m not suggesting that we forgo all these wonderful new ways of reaching—and reaching out—to people. I love having instant access and being able to "talk" to people twenty-four hours a day. The Internet never sleeps, and being the occasional insomniac, I know this from personal experience. I love my loops and my groups and my on-line friends. Storybroads has taken on a community feel since we launched, and I celebrate my fellow bloggers and feel more connected to each of them than before we began this project. Long live the broads!

I’m also on a list of predominantly women writers, and we’ve formed bonds in ways I find difficult to put into words. We hold prayer vigils when members are in need, share just about everything that’s happening in our lives, no matter how painful or private, air opinions, even controversial ones, debate and argue current events, and have generally formed an astonishingly close and supportive sisterhood. In my Yahoo Readers Group, which has grown to a few hundred members over time, we refer to each other as a virtual family, sympathize with each other’s setbacks, celebrate our victories, and are probably more sensitive to and supportive of each other’s needs than many real families are.

I would never discount these relationships. They’re essential to my life and sustain me in so many ways. My writers and readers groups were with me through the worst of my mother’s illness and her death. I turned to them when I couldn’t turn to my own family. That should tell you how close the attachment is. What I’m suggesting is that we shouldn’t forget that there’s a difference. There are things you get from being with living, breathing people that you can’t get from your virtual friends, no matter how close and intimate the relationships. You need both. Chatting, instant messaging and posting to groups is not necessarily the same as being in a community of real-life, flesh-and-blood people, who can smile at you with their eyes and pat your hand and pull you into their arms for a hug.

I was with such a group this weekend, and it was a renewing, revitalizing experience. It also made me realize how isolated I am most of the time. It’s the nature of the beast when you’re a writer. We’re alone with our books because that’s what it takes to get a book written, and we don’t have much contact outside our immediate families. I’m sure there are many other professions similarly affected. For us loners, the internet has been a Godsend. We can be alone and have friends at the same time, but it’s very easy to lose touch with how much we also need those flesh-and-blood relationships and the sense of community that having common interests and sharing personal space with others, brings.

Saturday made me realize that I was losing touch, and to be honest, I’m probably writing this more because I need to hear it than because I need to say it. But possibly it will touch a chord
with some of you, too.

The meeting I attended was an Orange County Romance Writers group. I’ve been a member since the mid-eighties, but haven’t been to a meeting in years, for many reasons—family obligations and health issues, book deadlines and all of the other pressing demands of everyday life.

But I’m so glad I went this weekend. I saw old friends, made some new ones, and generally soaked up all the hugs and smiles, pats and handshakes. I hope I gave as good as I got. It was also lovely to celebrate the sales and successes of the members and to be acknowledged for some of my own achievements. They made it a point to announce that I have a book coming out later this month, invited me to be interviewed in the gorgeous slick magazine that is now their monthly newsletter. They also extended an invitation to speak to the group at some later date.
Heady stuff, but perhaps best of all, my beloved plot group, which is the only real-life group I regularly attend these days, decided to go to the meeting too, and one of them even came by and carted me up there because I’d had a bout of vertigo and wasn’t sure I could make the drive.

We’re all Orange County chapter members, and most of us hadn’t been to a meeting in ages, so it truly felt like a reunion. Such fun, especially because the four of us were treated to a wonderful talk about layering lusciousness into our work by the incomparable Barbara Samuels, whose writing is so rich and sensual it practically sings and dances on the page.

All in all, a wonderful day—for the experiences I had, and for what they taught me. Someone once said we need a minimum of four hugs a day. In the virtual world, I probably get ten times that many, and I appreciate every one of them. Now, I’ll be more appreciative of the real ones too.

And tonight, before I post this blog, I’m going to email it to the dh, who’s right down the hall and have him proofread it for me. I’ll probably send him a hug, too. Email, isn’t it wonderful? (smiles)
Suz