Let's talk about who's responsible(Tara Taylor Quinn)

I don't love the cover. I don't love the title. But I love this book. It's out in two weeks. Won't have a long shelf life. Won't even be looked at by tons of readers because it says romance on the cover. And I love this book.

Sara's son is a twenty-one year old cop. She doesn't know that though. Not until he turns up on her doorstep and introduces himself. She hadn't seen him since she'd sweated and cried with no one but medical personell around, to birth him when she was only sixteen years old. She'd disobeyed her sheriff dad back then. Gone to a fraternity party pretending to be twenty-one. Drank too much. And woke up the next morning having been raped. She doesn't remember the night. Neither does the rapist. But the evidence is solid. That young man with a promising future goes to prison for five years. He's a sex offender for life. She has a baby boy.

And twenty-one years later, the three of them meet. There's a mystery to solve. Lives to try and salvage. Hearts to heal. When I first presented this idea to my editor, I expected her to say, 'no way.' 'It won't work.' Halfway through the book, I cursed her for not doing so. How did she think - how had I ever thought - I could write this book. A heroine who was raped and the hero was her rapist? But Sara just kept talking to me. Eventually I listened. And the result changed my life.

It also raised some questions that have been eating at me ever since. When is it rape? When is a man culpable? When is a woman? Do you know that in some states if a woman tells a man he can have sex with her and then changes her mind and he rapes her, he's within his rights???? These states hold the woman responsible.

In other states, Arizona being one of them, a husband and wife can be having sex. The wife changes her mind and says no. The husband proceeds. And he has committed rape. Last year I sat in an Arizona Superior Court room and watched as a man was sentenced to prison for having sex with his wife after she'd told him no.

I once heard a man say, 'I knew by the look in her eyes that she wasn't enjoying it, so I hurried up...' I kept a blank look on my face, but inside I'm screaming, 'why in the hell didn't you stop?'

I used to believe the oft repeated idea that men can't help it past a certain point. That once they are led to a level of arousal, they just can't stop. As young girls we were taught very clearly about being a tease - or rather, not being one. We were taught the dangers of leading a man on - always with the underlying message that even a good man can't help himself if a girl takes him down that road.

When I was in high school a girl was raped. People said she'd asked for it because she wore tight hip hugger jeans and halter tops. A girl was approached walking home from work late one night, and she'd asked for that, too. Because she'd walked alone at night. My senior year in college one of my fellow students, a girl who lived in the campus apartment next to mine, was raped a few days before the semester started. She spoke before a small assembly of us and told us how the rape was partially her fault because she'd been walking back and forth from her car to her apartment all alone, moving her things in.

A girl goes on a date. She's parking with the guy. He kisses her. She likes his kisses. And then he starts going for more than kisses. She goes along with him for bit, thinking they're on the same page. They like each other. They're human and have feelings. But there are things they just aren't going to do. Except that he is. And he does. She goes to court to defend herself against this guy that's been charged with rape and she hears how she led him on, how he had no way of knowing she didn't want to have sex with him. She hears that she did want to have sex with him, with plenty of evidence shown that she really liked him and wanted to go parking, and hears the claim that she's just trying to get back at him for breaking up with her afterward. He's found not guilty. She leaves the courtroom feeling dirty. Damaged. As much as she had the night of the rape. In some ways more so because now everyone knew. And the law of the land said that what had happened to her was her fault. Or that it was okay.

I recently was in conversation with a man who told me that a man can always stop. Always. It just depends on where his mind is, what he knows about himself, what he allows of himself, where he holds himself responsible. Men are not runting animals. They have brains. They have the ability to exercise self control if they so choose.

It was a novel concept to me. One I haven't fully accepted yet. It makes sense. And yet, girls have a very clear power in their femininity. Many, as they go through puberty, learn how to use that power. Some sell that power. They come on to men. Promising things they never intend to deliver. So that makes them less than admirable. Does it give the man the right to take what she promised but didn't give?

What do you think? Who's responsible?