The Wonders of Urine, Spit, and Pickle Juice (Suzanne Forster)

You all knew urine was sterile, right? So, if you’re camping in the wilderness and you hurt yourself and you want to clean the wound, but have no soap and water, just pee on it. That might be easier to do if you’re a guy, but I guess the important thing is that urine is sterile, which gives it a dizzying array of uses, if you can get past the fact that it’s … urine.

Apparently, my mother thought spit was sterile, too, given how freely she used it to clean me up when I was a kid. Of course, she added to my humiliation by doing it in public. Restaurants were her favorite place, probably because I could be counted upon not to use my napkin properly. Sometimes she actually spit on her finger and cleaned crud off my face. And no one said a word. I kept waiting for someone to stop her and explain that spit was disgusting. I wasn’t allowed to spit. Why was she? But everybody seemed to think it was just fine when she did it.

She also believed that apple cider vinegar and honey, taken together, cleaned out the human system the way Draino unclogs pipes. Not that it gave you the trots. This was a more subtle cleansing that somehow spit-shined the internal organs in ways I never understood. I hated the stuff, but nevertheless was forced to drink an entire glass of it every day . . . until I upchucked. Kids know how to upchuck. That’s our home remedy when mothers force feed us vinegar and honey.

Did I mention that I’ve been researching home remedies for a book? Boy, did I find some. I could have called this blog Gross Out Home Remedies.

One thing I learned from observation alone is that lots of mothers give their children spit baths. Sorry, that is so gross, I know, but we all do it, don’t we? We hate it when we’re kids, and then we do it to our own kids. I know I did. I think it’s more a question of convenience than anything else. Dirty faces, no water? What else are you going to do?

Thinking I’d exhausted the uses of human spittle and in search of more variety, I polled family, friends, and the members of my Yahoo group. A lifelong friend told me her mother used to swab castor oil on her warts, and my friend swears the warts all fell off, showing me her perfect hands as proof. Three members of the group claimed that wet tobacco is a great home remedy for everything from disinfecting bleeding wounds to bee stings.

One member told us her daughter was stung on the neck by a bee while they were on a train ride, and a grizzled old man took out a wad of chewing tobacco and stuck it on the sting. They later stopped at a first aid station and the man who cleaned the wound swore he used chewing tobacco on his grandchildren. Another member said that tobacco mixed with a little spit works better than any commercial product. My mother would feel vindicated, I’m sure.

A group member who served in the Navy said shipboard poison antidote lockers contained Adolph’s Meat Tenderizer for the treatment of insect and marine life stings. Come to think of it, meat tenderizer might be easier to get a hold of than wet tobacco, at least here in California. He also told us that when he was a kid he whacked his head on a 2X2 post while riding his trike, and his grandmother put a knife in the freezer until it was cold. She then placed it on the painful spot. He never bruised and there was no swelling. I have to say that’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard, no pun intended.

The following came from a member’s old family cookbook:

If a cracked dish is boiled for forty-five minutes in sweet milk, the crack will be so welded together that it will hardly be visible, and will be so strong that it will stand up to the same usage as before. (Another group member verified this to be true and suggested sweetened condensed milk.)

Burned Fingertips: Quickly grip ear lobe with burned finger and blistering will be prevented. (Ouch. However, if you try it and it works, let me know.)

Fever Blisters: As soon as the first soreness is felt, start drinking large glasses of apple cider and drink often. The blister won't come. (As long as it's not apple cider vinegar. Urp.)

For nightmares, place a pan of cold water under bed. (Why didn’t somebody tell me!)

Of course, we all know you’re supposed to put pickle juice on a burn, don’t we?

So, who was the home remedy person in your family? Did s/he have any nifty home remedies? Or gross ones that were used to torture you? Share them with us if you’d like, but be aware that they could show up in a book or a blog.

Suz