Shopped 'til She Dropped (Suzanne Forster)

It’s the first week of July. Or at least it was when I started writing this blog. Why are there no summer clothes in the stores? That’s the question I am shouting to the heavens as I sit here, typing. Where are the summer clothes????

I know that may sound frivolous, considering the vital things going on in the world today. We’re dealing with crises of global proportions, and I don’t want to give the impression that I spend my days consumed with buying summer clothes, but I am, for the moment, consumed with exactly that. I have a personal crisis that seems to have taken precedence over everything else.

Later this month I’m going to my first high school reunion ever, and I have nothing to wear! Really, I don’t. None of my old summer clothes fit, and worse, they’re all sleeveless. I’m not thrilled with my arms right now. To paraphrase Nora Ephron’s best-seller I Feel Bad About My Neck, I feel bad about my arms. And try finding anything that’s summery and not sleeveless. Impossible. So, yes, my crisis isn’t important in the great scheme of things, but in my little scheme, it’s huge. I haven’t seen these people I went to school with in a long time. We’re talking decades, which is boggling in itself.

Actually, I can tell you where the summer clothes are, since I’ve been searching for them since the end of June. They’re all mashed into the far corners of the big department stores on sale racks. No complaint here about sales. I love a good sale. Thrilled with a good sale. But why do they have to squish everything together, mixing up the sizes and types of clothing, putting tops with bottoms and terry with silk? I had to sort through racks of workout wear, T-shirts, jeans, cocktail dresses and even nighties and bathrobes to find the Holy Grail—a white blouse with three-quarter sleeves.

Everything was picked over, stained with makeup, ripped and stretched out of shape from being tried on. Button holes were loose and zippers were broken. And, of course, my size was gone in just about every case.

And why are all the summer clothes on sale anyway? It’s summer!

Worse, every department store I scoured—and I scoured a lot of them (I’d hate to see the miles I racked up on a pedometer)—was stacked to the rafters with turtle neck sweaters, corduroy jeans and quilted coats. The fall clothes are already in! Didn’t anyone tell them it’s hot out there—and only going to get hotter? Not a lot of us are interested in turtlenecks right now, clothing buyer people.

Forgive my surliness. I’m not myself. It’s the exhaustion, the aching back, and the blisters talking. Is there Prosac for shoppers? I’ve been out there for the last four nights straight, starting around five-ish and closing down the malls at nine to nine-thirty. I woke up this morning feeling as if I’d gone ten rounds with a sumo wrestler. I’ll tell you what, though, I have renewed respect for personal shoppers. Whatever those people are making it’s not enough.

I’m not feeling quite so respectful toward the chains and retail outlets that complain about lack of sales and waning consumer confidence. If you want sales, try having summer clothes in your stores in the summer, fall clothes in the fall, and so on. How complicated is that?

Okay, enough ranting from this waning consumer. And to be fair, I should admit that I've never been much of a shopper, which is definitely part of the problem. My year-round wardrobe consists of sweats in the winter and shorts in the summer. That’s all you really need to sit in front of a computer. If I’m going to a conference or a book event or, blessedly, on a vacation, I hit the stores at the last minute in a panic and do the level best I can with whatever’s there.

I’m sure veteran shoppers know when the new clothes arrive and would have started much earlier in the quest to find something for a high school reunion. But what’s going on out there still makes no sense to me. There has to be a reason the stores are jumping the gun by a full season. Do all of you do your summer shopping in the winter? Or would it be spring? And I guess if I want to find anything decent for fall I’d better start right now?

Uh, somehow, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Suz, bandaging her blisters