Right When You Need It

I've started today's blog several times. It's been about my new car. (But I love trucks.) And about traditions. (But when they get broken they're so incredibly painful.) About snow again. (How can anyone dream about this crap? We have six inches on the ground and it stops life.) And about those Christmas presents that you don't buy in stores. (They aren't done yet.) I get about one sentence in and see that the topic isn't going anywhere anyone would want to go. (Including me!) And so I stopped. Not for long. I can't. I've got a week's worth of 'to dos' to finish in two and a half days. These aren't those little extra 'to dos', but rather, things that really have to get done. Like the revisions that came in on Monday and are due over the holidays while I'll be out of town. I have to finish them before I get on the plane on Friday.

And presents have to be wrapped. Some pretty soon as we have Christmas with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and niece tonight. Actually those gifts are wrapped, but dinner isn't made and the house is a mess. And as I sat and pondered and tried to force a jolly Christmas post I thought about my niece that's coming for dinner tonight. And I realized that no matter how hard things are, how different or challenging, if we're open to outside help, it will be there. A lot of times when we aren't open it's there.

Yesterday, my niece was it. Out of the blue she called for a ride home from school. She wanted to stay with me for an hour (I live only a couple of blocks from the high school) and then she needed me to take her to practice. I was working on the above mentioned revisions but was happy to go get her. She needed me and it's incredibly great to be needed. That would have been enough for me, that little push of strength right when I needed it, but there was more. That fourteen year old child is wiser than many adults. She knows what matters. And what doesn't. And yesterday, I was on her list. We don't talk about the circumstances that brought me into her life; we don't talk about the struggles that are going on in the family. We talk about schools. And boys. And drinking - or rather, about not drinking. About the far too adult temptations that face high school kids these days. We talk about Taylor (they've bonded) and about the puppy she's going to get who will play with Taylor. (We're hoping for Christmas.) And then, out of the blue, she made one statement - maybe seven words - that spoke straight to my heart. She saw me - a good woman with a heart that is breaking because of a hole that will never be filled while my daughter is absent from my life. We didn't talk about it. She just let me know that she knows, and that I'm worth the love of a kid.

This morning, with this long list of things to do, first to blog, I sat down at my computer and it wasn't working right. I had to shut down and re-boot and go through hoops and...all of which took time. Most of it just sitting here thinking of all the things I had to do, while my computer was...thinking. Don't you wonder what on earth the blooming things think about???? And then, there was Taylor, at my chair, asking to be picked up. And on the other side, Jerry's sweet face appeared, his big shaggy paws hanging over the arm of the chair. I got to spend five minutes loving and being loved. You know, if not for the computer glitch I'd have missed some of the best moments of my day. Now these pals are with me all day every day - usually sleeping on the floor somewhere (or doing other things on the floor somewhere) but in that moment, right when I needed it, they were suddenly at my side. For the matter, the computer glitched right when I needed it so I'd notice my pals there ready to love and be loved.

And I got to thinking about how life does work that way. I remembered an old poem called Footprints. It's the one about the guy who's walking on the beach and at his lowest point and thinking he's all alone. He sees only one set of footprints and asks God where he is. It turns out that God was carrying him. We do all we can do and then that greater power, that love energy that is larger than human life and bonds us all together, will do the rest.

Last year I was in a mess. I couldn't see anyway out - anyway to be all that I needed to be, all that everyone was relying on me to be - simply because I wasn't capable. I couldn't make everyone happy. I couldn't make anyone happy. Including me. I tried and tried. I talked and I ranted. I got upset. And I stayed calm. I shared. And I kept to myself. I did things I didn't want to do. I pushed. I prayed. I avoided. And nothing worked. I was down for the count. And when you're hanging out down there, it's not as hard to cut to a bottom line mantra. It was all I had, these couple of sentences that I held on to. I wanted to love and be loved. And I wanted to sleep where my clothes were. Pretty simple, really. And they said everything to me. Every single night I repeated them. Over and over. They became life to me. I had no way to make them come to be. I had no power. I couldn't make people love me. I couldn't make them want to share their lives with me. I couldn't even seem to figure out a way to get my clothes where I slept. And suddenly, out of the blue, on the very morning after I'd stated my intention out loud to change my life, I'd stated out loud that I couldn't go on, I went to my office and there was the e-mail that changed my life. Right when I needed it. Amazingly, in less than a year I am loving and being loved every single day. I not only sleep where my clothes are, but I can lay in bed and see them if I want to!

I belong to a church where, once a month, members are encouraged to stand and share good things that have happened in an effort to strengthen everyone. Today I hope to do that here. I thought maybe we could give each other our Christmas gifts to each other. Maybe we could share some things that happened right when we needed them to to remind us all that life is full of the wonder of miracles, of a power that is stronger than all of the things that bring us down. I've shared a couple of my experiences and would love to have any of you write about anything good that happened to you, anything that happened right when you needed it. Together maybe we can all see the good. Maybe we can all give each other the good.
Right when we all need it.