Women Who Love Too Much (Maggie)

This is one of my favorite pictures, even though it's not very flattering. It's me and my daughter Stacie on a day when we wanted to go running, but it rained, and we decided to embrace one of my favorite quotes and go anyway. The quote: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Life is about learning to dance in the rain." I'm not sure who said it, but I think it's brilliant and it fits with today's topic.

I'm feeling really sad today for a dear friend of mine who's going through a rough spot. And while I won't reveal her identity out of respect for her privacy, I know she'll recognize herself in this post, and maybe it'll help. More over, maybe a lot of you will recognize parts of yourselves in this post, and get a little help from it. My friend is an incredible woman. She's beautiful, and sexy and smart and extremely successful. She's upbeat and positive and usually the most happy person you could hope to meet. And yet, she's feeling none of those things about herself right now, and I'll bet you can guess why, can't you? If you're female, I know you can. It's a guy. Yep, same old story.

She is deeply in love with a man who, at times, has made her deliriously happy and at other times has made her feel horribly sad. That's her first mistake right there. You can't depend on anyone else to "make you" feel good or bad or anything in between. That's your choice. So before she can really be happy, steadily and consistently happy, she needs to learn how to choose to be happy regardless of what other people are doing. Gosh, if your mood depends on the whims of other humans, you're going to be fluttering through life like a leaf in a windstorm. Fortunately, she knows all that, and she's been getting better and better at it. Which is a good thing.

Lately, my friend's guy has been acting differently. Cold, distant, kind of closed off, from the way she describes it. There's suddenly very little affection being shown to her, and she's not sure what she did to cause it. He's still spending time with her, but she says it's like he's not really there. Not a good sign, for sure. She's questioning herself. Even though she's a beautiful woman, she's spending hours staring into the mirror wondering what it is that he sees that he isn't liking anymore. She's reviewing every conversation the two of them have had, wondering what she said that was wrong. She's wondering if he's met someone else, someone "better." She's feeling unwanted, unworthy, and overall, pretty bad about herself.

Mistake number 2, my friend. It's not your fault. This guy is in charge of how he feels. You can't "make him" feel anything either. Everyone's in charge of that for themselves. So stop looking for some mistake you made, or some flaw you have, or for some way to fix it. You are who you are. It is what it is. It's how you react to it that matters. You can't control the conditions, you can only control yourself.

Okay, so it seems like things might be cooling between them, on his part, at least, and she's feeling afraid that the relationship is ending. And she's devastated, naturally. She could be right. She could be wrong. It really doesn't matter. Because either way, my friend is still basing her life and her happiness on someone else's actions and moods. And that's just not going to work for her, or for anyone.

So here's my advice for you, my friend, and for any of you who are finding yourselves in relationships that maybe aren't quite everything you wish they were. Stop it. Stop it right now. No relationship is ever perfect. You have to find that fulfillment in YOU. You can't expect or wait around for anyone else to give it to you. It's already yours.

You are a worthy and wonderful person, and you deserve to be loved in exactly the way you want to be, but more than that, you deserve to be happy, regardless of what anyone else is doing. And you have the power to be happy. It's up to you!

So here's what you need to do. And no, I'm not going to tell you to dump him. Because it's not about him. And because everything could change tomorrow, if you can just stay positive. And because you can be just as happy with this relationship as without it, because your happiness is your job, not his.

It's all about you. You need to love yourself. You need to be aware just how good you are. You need to fill your life with things that make you incredibly happy, and just keep adding more and more of those things, which means you'll have less and less time to worry about how anyone else is acting toward you that day. You'll just be having too much fun to obsess about it. You need to stop basing your happiness on the mood of another. Raise your vibration. Find things to celebrate and people to love who love you back. Spend your attention and your time on them. Be who you are and stop trying to make other people happy. The only person you need to make happy is yourself. And that's really the key. Do not put your own needs aside to try to cater to the needs of someone else. Put yourself first for a change, hon. You're the only one who ever really will, anyway.

And start a mental list of the kind of relationship you want. Dream big, imagine the way you wish things could be between you and the man in your life. Write it down, if you want, and then be open to it and know that it exists because you wished it into existence. Spend a little time with your list every night before you sleep. Dream about this perfect relationship. Be open to it. Be happy in the certainty that it will come. Maybe with this guy, and I know that's your deepest hope, and it could happen--or maybe with someone else, someone who comes along out of the blue and fits perfectly with the image in your mind. If you build it, it will come, sweetie. And you have all the time in the world. So just relax about this. Relax, and focus on the good things in your life, and the good things in this relationship, and the good things about this man, because there must be some, or you wouldn't still be hoping. You couldn't love a man who was less than wonderful--I know you. So remind yourself of the things you love about him. And let the current of your desires carry you downstream to where your dream come true is waiting. It cannot be otherwise, and I know that you know that. So breathe. Stop worrying. He'll either be the one or he won't. And either way, you'll be fine.

And read on, because I have a plan of my own that might help distract you from your worries of the moment.

I've had a rough couple of weeks myself. We've had some very bad things happen to a very young, very innocent member of the family that have rocked us all. What can be done is being done, and aside from loving and caring for each other, there's not much more the family can do at this point. So we need to focus on positive things.

One of the things that always distracts me from any worries is working out. Another is writing. So I'm combining those two and jumping into a 9 day marathon of both. When the family doesn't need me, I plan to be holed up in my wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous old house, writing my brains out, and exercising my butt off (literally!) The endorphins will help clear my mind. The work will re-establish my firm belief in myself. I'm strong, and being strong on the inside is more obvious (even to yourself) when you're equally strong on the outside. And I love looking good. I look good now. I love the way I look, actually. But I bet I'll love it more 10 days from now. =) I love making money, and it's tight at the moment, but a writing marathon will get the next book proposal ready, and the book itself well on its way to being done, which means a paycheck, which will also perk up my spirits. And all of this activity will help keep me distracted from the problems of the moment.

I've decide to invite the members of my fitness email list to join me in this all out health jaunt. You can sign onto that list by sending a blank email to maggies-health-and-fitness-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Trust me, it'll make you feel better, whatever your problems are.

Okay, readers, here's your assignment. Help my friend by giving us your best relationship advice, sharing your experiences, pointing out the light at the end of the tunnel and how things are never really as bad as they might seem at the moment. You know, be perky! And join me on the fitness list for a week and a half of fun and inspiration and sharing, if you want!

Until next time, remember to look for the good. Just keep looking for things to appreciate and be happy about, and you'll be fine.

All is well, it truly is. And you are loved.

Maggie