Just a Question (Need Responses!!!)
posted by Tara Taylor Quinn
on
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
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Hey, all, I have an important research question (people research.) If you can take a minute and give me your opinion (gut reaction) about what this question means, I'd appreciate it greatly!!!
Reason for and results of the research will be posted tomorrow in the comment section of this post.
Thanks!!
Question:
What does it mean when your significant other says 'We have to talk?'
Reason for and results of the research will be posted tomorrow in the comment section of this post.
Thanks!!
Question:
What does it mean when your significant other says 'We have to talk?'
Patricia Potter
Tara Taylor Quinn
Maggie Shayne
Anne Stuart
Suzanne Forster
Lynn Kerstan
31 Comments :
That sentence is scary. However, after a second of flippin out, I calm down and realize he just wants to chat about something, that the world is not ending and all will be alright.
I agree with Amanda--but only speaking from my experience with my significant other.
One time he said that, the topic was a "hygiene issue" our cat Gracie had--she was so fat she couldn't reach her...well, I digress.
Anyway, that sentence can mean different things depending on the person saying it, the relationship and many other variables!
My reactions to things like that are so sensitized since my dh's heart attack and subsequent cardiac arrest 4 months later in 04. It makes my stomach flip. I always think the worst at first. Then I take a moment to think through the panic that momentarily siezes me and realize its okay.
Kind of like saying "Don't panic...but!" Woops, too late, I'm panicking. My son did that to me the other day when he said "I don't want you to panic, I'm okay, but I was in a car accident."
LOL, these are great answers. I really think it depends on who makes the statement. If the Signifcant Other is a woman, then a deeply serious conversation is about to ensue. If it's a man, it could be a talk about anything, including his car.
Actually, from my experience the odds are it probably will be about his car ... or his latest workout injury.
Suz
Uh-oh.
(That was my gut instinct.)
Last time my husband said that, I did panic as he was hem-hawing around, looking terribly serious. Finally, I said, "You're scaring me. If we're divvying up the household goods, just say it, flat out."
He said, "I bought a new set of golf clubs."
Golf clubs? We had a little chat after that about spooking me only for a good reason. I don't care if he buys golf clubs, golf cart, or even his own golf course. But don't play the "We have to talk" card without good reason! ;-)
In his defense, he said it was because this was kind of a big expense (nice clubs), but you know, I may jump to the assumption he's going to spring divvying up the household goods on me without warning. I don't believe he'd run us into the poor house, so I don't care if he buys golf clubs because I trust his fiscal judgment. (Conflict because of the opposing ways we look at the world.)
If this is for a book, I think you can get good mileage, and if it's personal, I hope it's just golf clubs. Men! ;-)
I only heard that from my husband once, and I knew things were serious.
For us, everything worked out fine,
but I would be very concerned if I
heard those words again.
Chances are, he's upset about something I've done and he's not sure how to approach me about it.
Great question, Tara. I can only speak from my own experience, and if my guy says we need to talk, I know it's serious. However, "serious" for him is totally different than it is for me. For him, it could mean he doesn't want to go to the same movie as I do...or something equally benign. If I say "I want to talk" he knows I've been thinking about it for a while and it's not going to be about the movies.
Cheers,
Linda
Oops, Darla, I wasn't loling about your answer. I didn't see it when I commented.
Heart conditions are serious, and I'd be worried too.
Lots of hugs coming your way,
Suz
It means it's time to pay attention - full attention - to whatever your SO wants to say. It may also mean that the two people aren't talking enough about significant, important things.
It's true that it depends on the person saying it. If my husband actually says the words "We need to talk", something major and probably Not Good is forthcoming. If it's not important, he'll just say it. But if he has to prepare me for it... watch out.
At least that's been my experience in the 15 years I've been with him.
Ack! Just reading the question made my stomach hurt.
I guess it would depend on how and when my partner said it, tone of voice and expression. I doubt it would be a subject particularly scary or tragic, though I would certainly imagine some horrible scenarios if I heard "we need to talk...later." Anticipation of pain is, IMO, much worse than any actual pain.
So, I've learned not to use that particular phrase. In my experience, we don't hear the words "we need to talk." Rather, those words morph in our brains (especially male brains) to "you screwed up again and I'm going to chew you out," or "I'm leaving you." Immediate defensiveness.
V
Gut reaction? Big Trouble.
Usually means someone is raising an issue that he/she doesn't think will be received very well.
YMMV, of course!
Usually when my husband says that it is because I did something wrong and it really upset him. We are very upfront with each other. We have our arguments but we learn from our mistakes and move on.
It always makes my stomach cringe when he says that. I always think the worst like something serious has happened.
I think this statement should be saved for those rare occasions that really warrants it.
Michele L.
LOL I JUST read a book where the author implied it was the scariest phrase in the English language. I have to agree. They're serious words and imply that whoever is talking has something really important (and possibly bad) to say.
Tara,
Great question. My gut reaction would be oh,no, something's wrong. If my husband wants to talk, its something big. I'd probably have trouble breathing for a few seconds.
The last and only time he's said that was when the test from the polps the doctor removed from his colon came back malignant. They only had to remove part of his colon so it turned out okay.
That sentence scares me half to death. If it was my dh saying it I would figure it was his health or about one of his kids.
If a woman says it, it means, "something is seriously wrong here, and it has to change or else."
If a guy says it, it means, "I want to say words to you and then for you to say words to me."
Guys are pretty literal.
No problem Suz! Appreciate the hugs!
There are some really great answers, and your right...we ladies do tend to think more toward the "OMG...whats happened!" senerio then men. Who says two heads are better then one! LOL
Tara, my husband would never actually use those words. He would just flat out say what's on his mind. But my initial reaction was similar to the others - Oh God, something is really wrong and it's got to change.
I am not suprised by all these comments, however, everyone posting is assuming that the comment "we have to talk" was made by a man!
The first time I ever heard that phrase it was from my father and I was 11 years old, and it was a prelude to telling me that he was sending me to boarding school. So, even though I've learned it can be an innocuous phrase, I immediately feel sick when I hear it.
Something serious is coming and it's probably not going to be good news.
Wow! This turned out to be really really valuable. My conclusions: The words 'we need to talk' have somehow over our years of living, come to have a tremendous amount of power. Funny how four innocuous words wield such an ability to effect us human beings at our deepest level. Once again, I am amazed and a bit frightened of the power of words. As a writer, this puts an enormous amount of pressure and responsibility on my shoulders.
Now, the reason for the research:
1. I'm just finishing my final run through of the print out of a book that's out this summer and these words are used. And there was question to the effect of their use. You all solidly showed that my usage was valid.
But...
2. The reason they showed up in the book was because they showed up in life. As many of you know, I recently married my college sweetheart - my very first love. The only true love (in the soul deep romantic place that connects spirits) I've ever known. When he and I split thirty years ago, my life changed irrevocably. I changed. My heart was so hurt I hid it away. And then, I think because my heart was hiding, I ended up in a situation that was any girl's worst nightmare. As my husband and I talk about the lives we lost - in an effort to get the most out of every minute of the lives we have so miraculously been blessed with, we've found that it was only words, and a lack of words, that lost us our way and hurt so many people in the process. I'd told him 'we need to talk', over a period of several months. I kept asking for the time to sit and talk. I needed to marry him and we were so young and I'd never dated before and just plain didn't know how to go about broaching the subject. I'd thought, if I prepare him that it's serious, he'll be in a mindset to hear my words. What he heard, every single time I said those words was, 'I want to break up.' Which is why he avoided the conversation at all costs.
After months of trying, and being rejected, I finally faced that fact that he didn't want me. After months of hearing what he thought was 'I want to break up' he finally faced the fact that I didn't want him. When in truth, if we'd only been able to have that conversation, our lives would have been so drastically different. So much pain could have been avoided.
Somedays it's hard to live with the pain of a lost past. Your responses here, validating both of our feelings at that time so long ago, have helped us both to see that we did the best we could. That neither of us was at fault. That there was justification on both parts. Crazy that it should matter after all this time, but this blog gave us a peaceful resting place for at least part of past pain.
My dh only says this when he is upset about something I've done - like if I'm shopping way too much. That's usually the only time he says that.
How sad Tara...but it is so wonderful that you found each other again! God Bless and may you be showered with many beautiful memories!
Depends on how they say it, and what's happened in the last 24 hours. Did you have a fight? Were either of you flirting with other people? Did s/he hear part of a phone conversation not meant for their ears?
Could be, the sig other wants to plan a vacation or a date. Or... they want to break up.
My initial reaction is that it's something bad!
It usually means he wants to figure out when he should take vacation days or whether we should consider buying a new snow-blower. My husband isn't into deep, introspective conversations, although he'll listen politely if =I= think we need to talk.
we have to talk. from a guy or girl.. totally scary- from either side means something serious.. but usually when a girl says it to a guy, can be anything from I'm pregnant or I'm really tired of the way you treat me or I've had it with the fact that I keep asking you to put down the toilet seat and you don't .. But from a guy to a girl.. usually pretty serious!
When my husband says 'We need to talk' it means we need to discuss the details about some mutual project or plan something financial - he's the business manager half of our duo.
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