Help Me Understand, Please (Suzanne Forster)

Do all men have hearing issues? And if they do, is this a genetic condition, something woven into their DNA and therefore, beyond their control? Maybe they just can’t help it. Maybe they’re born with trick ears.

I don’t have the answer, but I know from personal experience that the males in my life, from grandfather to grandson on both sides suffer from a condition called selective hearing. This is not a random scientific sample, of course, but I don’t think I’m alone. Most women—and a few men—will tell you that male ears seem to operate on a toggle switch, and it’s most likely to be switched off when the windows need washing or the garbage needs taking out. Of course, that varies from household to household.

Here’s an example from my house. Allan can’t hear right when it comes to blueberry bagels. Many other things, too, but blueberry bagels definitely flip his switch. I have no idea why, but twice now when I’ve asked him to pick up a half-dozen bagels, and even give him a list of the specific types, which includes in all caps NO BLUEBERRY, he comes home with at least one blueberry bagel.

It happened again last Friday when I had my brainstorming group over for a day of snacking and plotting books. I gave him my list, said two or three times, no blueberry, and you know the rest. The first bagel I pulled out of the sack was distinctly blue. My surprise turned to disbelief. I hit him with an incredulous look and said in a soft, slightly horrified voice, but this is blueberry.

His response: It was the only berry bagel they had. So he heard the berry part and somehow decided I had to have a berry bagel, even if was blue, despite what I had taken great pains to say—and write—on my list? Color me blue with confusion. I would never have come home with blueberry, but then, my hearing is great. Pretty much all the time, it’s great.

I didn’t pursue the conversation with him. I knew better. Instead, I went straight to my trusty computer and googled “men and selective hearing.” Luckily I found a web site called "Blogging With Cents" that featured a blog by cowboytf, who acknowledged right up front that the condition was genetic. He also had some suggestions for women on how to deal with the selective hearing of the males in their lives, and there was one tip I liked a lot. He warned women to be very careful about TMI (giving men too much information).

Here’s the scenario he described:

“Tip: A conversational commentary that gives a lot of information can be too complicated.

Example: (She says) I like most wines, especially the Spanish ones from Rioja or Navarra. However, I prefer the red wines and some rosé. I really dislike most Spanish white wine but enjoy most German white wines.

He may note that you like wine (especially if he does too). However, the ‘white wine’ may stick, resulting in him bringing you an imported bottle of it. After all, you did say something about Spanish wines and mentioned white wines twice.

This is the way you should have said the above…I really dislike white wine. I prefer the taste of red wine.

This is easy and short enough for a man to tune into. Had you made it more complicated or longer, then selective hearing would have been activated.

In closing, when speaking, do this frontally, establish eye contact and have a relaxed expression. Ask them to repeat what you said, and for very important communications, have a calendar at hand to annotate and affirm understanding. Have the male initial the entry. This will shorten future disputes. Ignore the offended look. Smile.”

I think cowboytf may have something there. Next time I write a bagel list it will say: egg, onion, cinnamon-raisin, cranberry and jalapeno. The word blueberry will cease to exist.

Okay, problem solved! However, I also came across a couple articles on selective seeing. One of them suggested that men are like heat-seeking missiles when zoning in on women with plunging necklines, but semi-blind when asked to vacuum the floor. They miss the dirt every time!

Are the men in your life selective at anything in particular? I can remember noticing the tendency in my son when he was in kindergarten. He couldn’t seem to hear me when it was time to pack up the toys and go to bed, but if I whispered "grape popsicle" at any time of the day or night, he was right there. And now that he’s grown, I’ve noticed he’s highly skilled at anything to do with computers, video games and remotely controlled devices, but he can’t seem to figure out how to turn on a dishwasher or a washing machine to save his life. What is that? Selective intelligence?

Know what I think? I think these guys are smart … smart enough to play dumb when there’s something they don’t want to do. And even if they’re born with the selective gene, I don’t see why we gals can’t adapt. We’re fast learners. Actually, I think I just forgot how to vacuum!

Suz